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Friday, May 30, 2008

Airline Announcements

Attention Please ...

With so many of you folks traveling such a fur piece to get your hair cut, nails done, beard trimmed or boots shined ... we've been asked by local pilot Foster Brooks to display these announcements somewhere here in TheOldBarbershop ... your suggestions as to the ideal spot would be greatly appreciated!

Maybe the Boss might take a pole ...

Airline Announcements

United Flight Attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!" Upon landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

Our local airline has a policy which requires the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exit ... smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline"

Following yesterday's flight in that storm we had, Foster reports that one of our locals, a little old lady walking with a cane, ... who was the last one to deplane said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" ... "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

Just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't my fault, ... it was the asphalt."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, ""We ask you to please remain seated with your seat belts fastened as Captain Kangaroo bounces what's left of our plane to the gate ... and Please take care when opening the overhead compartments 'cause sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that!"

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments"

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses ... except for that gentleman over there."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal"

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US"

Heard on a Southwest Airlines' flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em"

After the Braves' charter flight reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking ... the weather from New York to Los Angeles is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "I am so sorry if I scared you guys earlier ... while I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

Bobby yelled back, "That's nothing you !@#$%&*, ... you should see the back of mine!"

Saturday, May 17, 2008

bAby seAl, collUmist

hellO everbudY, I wanT to thank sJa for giviNG me my biG braKe. I am proUD to be a coLLumist aT laSt. BeeinG a beet writeEr waS a deaD end joB and waS baD for mY self EsteeM. HoW do yoU like mY photO? In my iNitial collum I wilL talK abouT baSebaLL. and rooT beeR. anD soMe histoRy in honOr of MattHew. Hear goES:

jimmy smiTh and i arE watChing the gamE together and jimmy Smith just asKed me who my fAvorite braveS playEr is. that is an eaSy onE. my faVorIte plaYer is eScobaR. i likE how he plaYS. i thInk he iS the beSt plaYer on the teAm riGht now. anD i thiNk he wiLL someDay havE hiS own candY bar. escObaR maY be thE atLanta bRaveS fiRSt big leaGue shortStop. tiMe wiLL teLL.

i alSo liKe mCCann. he iS very gooD foR hiS agE at hiS poSitiOn. hE alSo reMinds me oF tHe GreAt seAl of tHe UniTed StateS wheN he rUns thE baSes. McCAnn eatS at tHe kryStal juSt likE me sO I reaLLy liKe hiM.

whiCh braVes plAyeR do I liKe tO interView? I liKE talKing witH cHippeR beCauSe it iS eaSy to Spell thE worDs cHipper can saY. somEtimes he wiLL use a biG word buT he doeSn'T knoW what iT meaNs. yesTerday he sAid hiS grOin was imProvinG as he haD applied somE mucilagE thAt huDDy haD leFt in hiS lockeR. i qm noT so SurE it waS reaLLy mucilage bUt if It was thAt wouLd be anOther pRoblEm foR chiPPer.

dO yoU liKe rooT beeR as mucH as I dO? someTimES i miSs havINg my seaL buddY, irving, arouNd. irVing iS thE kinD of buDdy yoU liKe to dRinK root beER wIth. IrVinG caN no loNgeR enJoy a FroSty muG of rooT beEr beCause IrVing waS cluBBed to WiThin an inCh of hiS liFe bY cRazeD SeaL clUbbers iN caNada. IrVing caN no lonGer holD hiS rooT beEr anD he doeSn't geT out muCh. He uSed to faVor A&W roOT bEEr buT nOW he can'T haNdle thE foAm. I thinK I wiLL haVe a rOOt beEr witH jimmy sMith after thE game anD toAst my gooD friEnd, IrVing.

and noW, some hIstorY aboUt thE wAr betwEeN THE sEAls. SeaLS wItH eArs veRsus seAls wiThoUt eArs. ThE SeAls wiThouT eaRs won bUt i wiLL alWays remEmber tHE moSt faMous liNe eVer uttered alMost liKE thE BritiSh are coMing, the BritiSh are cOming. it was friEnds, pinipeds, anD couNTrymen, lend me youR eArs". wHAt diD stOnEwall Seal want wiTh all thOSe ears? ThE resT of thE sTory in my NexT collUm.

collumisTs oFten haVe a signatUre linE to cloSe a coLLum. I am woRking oN mine. it may Be somEthing abouT seAl paSte but I am noT surE.

beforE i cloSe I muSt rePort that toNight's gaMe is gEtting verY excitiNg in the 9tH inNing. oops, never mind.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Breaking News! ... journalist jimmy smith is here ...

It is now official ... Bob, Journalist and myself would like to welcome journalist jimmy smith as a full partner here at TheOldBarbershop ... and we are eagerly looking forward to watching him ply his craft with the greatest of ease ... and listening to the fascinating banter that he will most certainly be bringing to the shop ... along with spending a little time visiting with the many entertaining and 'colorful' characters that seem to always follow him around ... jimmy will be operating out of chair #3 ... not yet sure what he will be awarding his patrons as a treat for good behavior ... but I am sure it will be something delectable ... and just maybe he will have a little of 'this and that' to talk about ... so everyone please hurry in and greet jimmy ... give him a warm welcome ... get a trim or a shave or just share a good story ... let jimmy know that he is appreciated ... ice-cold Cokes are on the house for those who visit the shop during remainder of the week ... --sja

Thursday, May 1, 2008

New Barber! ... Journalist Bob is here and other sundry announcements ...

News of import! ... I am proud to announce the arrival of yet another great barber to TheOldBarbershop staff ... no he is not "Chipper" ... nor the "Gipper" ... but he is an extremely experienced and talented clipper ... he has never met an ear that he didn't like to nick ... please give a warm welcome to "Bob, Journalist" ... and by all means drop by the shop for a trim and some uniquely enthralling discourse on just about any topic you dare bring up ... Bob will be occupying barber chair #2 ... and when ... I mean if he does happen to nick you ... your next haircut or shave is on "Bob" ... by the way, we are actively seeking interesting and intelligent folks who will eventually desire to become part of our regular clientele and who will enjoy patronizing TheOldBarbershop as often as possible ... so as part of our efforts to attract new customers we are offering first-time visitors the choice of either a haircut or a shave absolutely free of charge ... and for the ladies we are presenting a coupon for a free first-time visit to Miss Wong's Nail Salon just around the corner from our shop for the choice of either a manicure or a pedicure ... you can't beat that ... We also have a few new features here at the shop ... a slide show ... YouTube videos ... various polls ... all located at the sidebar ... we are feverishly working to make this one of the more pleasant and interesting sites to visit on the web ... any suggestions would be appreciated and considered ... Also, now that warmer weather has finally arrived, we have placed an old church pew and 2 brand new benches out front under the big awning for those who frequent our shop ... feel free to sit out there and chat with friends or just relax ... all we ask is that you do not spit on the sidewalk ... put your butts in the butt can ... no kicking the Coke machine ... and please no vulgarity or profanity when ladies ... children ... or Journalist, Bob are present ... Before it slips my mind ... we are currently running a special on Lucky Tiger Butchwax Sticks and Clubman Styling Gels ... both at a real great price ... don't forget to stock up before you leave ... So please stop by for a cut or a shave ... or just to shoot the breeze ... we are open 24/7 ... you are always welcome here ... --sja